Sunday, February 19, 2012

Retro Review: The Room

What is up, Internet?  This evening I saw a movie titled "The Room."  Outside of that, I'm not quite sure what exactly I just sat through.  There are many variants of a "bad" film.  There are films that are just intrinsically terrible.  Jonah Hex, Beastly, and The Last Airbender come to mind.  A mix of film making incompetence; bad dialogue, poor editing, terrible story, unwatchable acting.  Then there are films that are terrible on purpose.  A perfect example is Black Dynamite; a film that I absolutely adore and is one of the funniest films I've ever seen.  Mistakes in editing, continuity, and dialogue are made on purpose.  And it work brilliantly.  Then we have films like The Room.  The Room was supposed to be a serious drama, dealing with real-world issues of fidelity, love,  The "director," "writer," and lead "actor" of The Room, Tommy Wiseau, actually believed that he was and did craft a well-made film.  But he did not.  He failed on almost every level imaginable, yet managed to make one of the funniest, weirdest, and downright strangest "films" that I've ever seen.

What is The Room?  Neither my words nor my thoughts cannot express coherently what exactly The Room is.  I lack the mental capacity to coalesce my thoughts into an accurate description.  Just look it up on Wikipedia.  It'll be quicker and easier for the both of us.

I am literally sitting here at my keyboard, where I've penned dozens of reviews, shaking my head.  I just don't know what to say or where to begin.  Acting?  Atrocious.  Dialogue? Even worse.  Cinematography?  I don't think Tommy Wiseau knows what that words even means (more on that later).  Score?  Pretty much one of two songs played over and over again.  Visual effects?  Probably the worst green screen I've ever seen implemented in a film (yes, worse than last year's Breaking Dawn).  It's just so frakking bad.  Can anyone tell me where Mr. Wiseau heralds from?  Anyone?  Didn't think so.  His accent is beyond strange, and his delivery of dialogue is comically bad.  Which is what makes it awesome.  The Room is probably one of the most quotable films I've seen.  And many of those quotes are mumbled by Tommy.  He's unintentionally a master of comedy and comedic timing.  This clip provides a perfect example AND manages to encapsulate how the rest of the film is in just one scene.

The rest of the "cast" is pretty much on par with Tommy, if not just a smidge better.  The best "acting" in the entire film is done by some street thug threatening Donnie/Dunnie/Dinnie/Danny/Denny (seriously, his name changes with every scene) for his money.  Again, their delivery and the actual dialogue itself is just so terrible that its hilarious.  If you can stand it for the full run-time, I challenge you to not laugh your ass off at lines like:
"If you think I'm tired today, wait until you see me tomorrow."
"Denny, two is great, but three is a crowd."
"Anyway, how is your sex life?"
"Everybody betrayed me! I'm fed up with this world!"
And those aren't even the best ones.

I'm shaking my head once again.  That's pretty much all you can do after sitting through The Room.  The story, or lack thereof, bounces from random scene to random scene, leaving the audience very much confused.  "Normal" films usually have a set-up/pay-off system that rewards viewers for paying attention.  The Room does not.  Scenes languish for eternity without going anywhere.  Plot points are brought up and never referenced again or returned to.  Its all pretty ridiculous, and yet again, incredible.  I have the urge to purchase the DVD immediately and watch it again.  Just as Mr. Wiseau says in The Room's "interview" in the bonus features, "every American should watch The Room twice.  You probably won't get it the first time."  I don't think that even Tommy "gets" his own movie.

I seriously could continue on ad naseum about The Room and how terribly great it is.  Before wrapping this up I feel that I must make mention of the four, count em, four "sex" scenes in the film.  The Room is essentially a softcore porn form the get-go.  With bellybutton sex.  I can't describe it - it must be seen to be believed.  Just...go watch The Room.

The Room is, I really don't know.  It must be seen to be believed.

The Bearded Bullet is left in a state of shock.  (I can't even bring myself to tag this review with any labels...)


  1. Wow! As always another spot on review. I see a career in this for you; have you considered doing this professionally? I mean seriously, in this review alone I laughed more times than I could count dude! How is it that you're so good at saying exactly what every other reviewer has said about this film for the past 9 years? Awesome job dude, keep up the good work! I'm sure that you have a future in regurgitating reviews that no one gives a fuck about!

    By the way, he's Eastern European, you moron. It's pretty obvious; apparently you've never heard an Eastern European accent before.

    Love your reviews!!

    -M Buon.

  2. Wow. No need to be a dick.
    Have you seen the movie??
    There's really nothing more that can be said about the file.
    You obviously have no idea what this guy is about.
    He reviews EVERY movie he watches. Regardless of how old. There's a reason this particular review was a "RETRO" review..

    Fucking dumbass.
    -G Hersh